Life Goes On
Almost 20 years ago I was grappling with being told that I had had Clamydia infection. It had so damaged my fallopian tubes I would not be able to get pregnant naturally. A tree helped me to heal.
The news that I would never conceive naturally was an enormous shock. As a female member of the human race it was never in question, I just assumed that if I wanted to I would; pregnancy, birth and motherhood were a given.
My whole world was rocked; in shock and reeling from the news I tried to stagger through each day. From waking up to going to bed life felt hard, I had to drag myself through, trying to cope and not fall apart completely.
I just could not accept what I was being told. It felt like I was stuck in a dead end with no way out, I had no choice but to ricochet around bashing myself against the walls feeling more and more bruised as any hope of escape dwindled.
I just could not seem to pull myself out of despair. My very identity was being disturbed;
Who on earth was I, if I could not have children?
What was the point in living if I could not have children?
Oh boy did that information trigger a limiting belief I already held. I often felt like there was something wrong with me, and now there really was.
Driving to work each day had become an massive effort. Tears flowed as soon as I got in the car alone and I spent the journey trying to stuff it all down so I could go in and do my job. A job which seemed like the most pointless and boring thing on the planet. I was going through the motions, an empty existence.
Coupled with this was my counselling practice disaster. I was training as a Psychodynamic Counsellor and was supposed to be completing my practice hours but I just couldn’t seem to get clients or when I did they never stayed. This just reinforced my feelings of failure, nothing was right, everything felt wrong.
One day I got stuck in traffic on the way to work. Sitting there feeling pissed off with the whole world and how bloody unfair it was I happened to glance out of the window, next to me was a tree.
I could only see the bottom of the trunk which had some huge carbuncle like growth on it. As I stared at it, I wondered what on earth had happened to make it produce such a huge growth or scar.
I realised I felt like that, I had real scars all over my fallopian tubes. I felt like the tree, as if my flawed body was on show for the whole world to see. I know it’s illogical but that’s what happens in trauma we don’t think in a normal way, our higher reasoning functions are not on-line. I imagined everyone could see my horrible scars and because they came from a sexually transmitted disease my carbuncle was ugly and disgusting, just like the one on the tree standing next to my car.
Something made me lean over and look up at the tree and what I saw took my breath away. Although it had this great ugly growth at it’s foot the rest of the trunk was straight and tall leading up to a full healthy green canopy.
In that moment I realised that my life was not over. I was like the tree, something horrible had happened to me, but it did not have to stop me going on to have a full and abundant life.
That tree turned my life around.
The tree did not take away the shock or the trauma of that time and it didn’t heal my limiting belief, but it did help me get a different perspective, the spiralling into depression and suicidal thoughts, stopped.
I realised in that moment that I could go on and have a full life whether or not I had children. I was not programmed to expire at a certain age if I did not reproduce, therefore my life must have value and meaning in it’s own right.
It wasn’t till I found EFT that I was able to heal the trauma and shock of that time, and to also deal with my limiting belief about feeling wrong, but I was able to go on living and to seek out what makes a meaningful life for me.
So if you are feeling wounded, scarred or like something is wrong with you it does not need to stop you living a full life. The trauma, pain and emotional suffering can be healed.
“Even although you may not know how, THERE IS A WAY, you just have to find it.” Mairi