When I first heard that I am responsible for the state of my life and no-one else but me, I didn’t like it.

Poor Me

I was just waking up to the troubled state of my childhood and firmly intrenched in “poor me”.  I had all those terrible things done to me, don’t you know?  I was innocent, a vicitim, I suffered at the hands of others.

All true. I was a child and trapped in an abusive situation, THEN, but as this “kind” person pointed out that wasn’t true anymore. NOW I was an adult and responsible for my own life.


Victim Mode

I felt angry, hurt, let-down, didn’t she understand how awful it was, how much harm it had done to me? I felt crippled by the impact of what happened, permanently lame, couldn’t she see the damage?

You may know exactly the lament, perhaps you’ve made it yourself?

She knew alright, she knew that allowing me to stay in victim mode would never help me to change, to have the life I longed for. She knew that kind pats on the back and platitudes which reinforced the awfulness would never help. Good on her I say.  Good for her that she had the courage to shake me out of my stupor. Good for her that she had the courage to say what many won’t.

“Mairi it is up to you. Stay where you are and suffer or choose to change, and do something about it.”

I chose to change.

I hated having to take responsibility for myself. Even now I am known to screamed and howl myself into it and want to turn back. I like the cover of blame. I like to hide behind that screen where I have people feeling sorry for me. Hoever it’s only ever a temporary fix, a Elastoplast on a wound I need to heal. I get it now:


That does not negate the difficulties we may have encountered and may currently be facing it simply means there is no-one to blame. That includes ourselves, by the way.

“The price of doing the same old thing is far higher than the price of change”  

Bill Clinton

Blaming keeps us stuck and until we recognise this we stay victims of whatever circumstances, diagnosis, relationship etc, we find ourselves in, we are at the mercy of it or them in effect powerless.

Step into your power

So you and I have a choice today and everyday. We have the power to change.

I’m not saying it’s easy, in fact I write this post as much for my resistant self as anyone else. I know how alluring blaming can be, we live in a culture which propagates such behaviour and it’s easy, comfortable even, and safe, but you can live a whole life there and never really be free.

If you are now grumbling away, saying I don’t understand how hard it is, I don’t get your special circumstances. That may be true, but before you completely dismiss what I say, just check in with yourself.

Is this an excuse to simply stay where you are?

Are you afraid of what change might mean?

I am!

Sometimes the idea of changing scares the bejesus out of me, so I don’t try to do it alone, and neither should you. Get help, call on a friend, find a support group, engage the services of a therapist or coach.

Find someone who will help you roll up your sleeves and get on with the job in hand, someone who will walk beside you as your guide, who who will be honest, sometimes firm, straight and honest. Someone who with a big heart, who comes from love, who walks their talk and knows that:

Change is always possible.

“Was it you or I who stumbled first? It does not matter. The one of us who finds the strength to get up first, must help the other.”
Vera Nazarian


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About the Author: Mairi

Radical Self Care Coach, supporting you to create a calmer, simpler, more deeply connected life where you take better care of yourself and our planet.


  1. […] and to engage in unhelpful and unhealthy behaviour patterns. I make mistakes, say mean things, blame and judge. Feeling down and depressed I may even tell myself lies about how I’m not liked or […]

  2. […] have a choice about how we react to this situation. We can blame, we can shame, we can act like victims or we can choose something […]

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